50 life lessons learned from ‘Father Ted’

  1. There’s always time for a nice cup of tea.
  2. Lent is a ‘giving things up’ competition.
  3. A spider-baby has the mind of a baby and the body of a spider.
  4. Only priest socks are truly black. Some socks look black but they’re actually just very, very, very dark blue. Never buy black socks in a normal shop. They shaft you every time.
  5. You’d have to be mad to listen to Dana.
  6. Crazy golf in the rain in great craic altogether.
  7. Always lose that sax solo.
  8. And always have a back up plan.
  9. The Chinese are a great bunch of lads.10. These cows are small, but those cows are far away.

11. Don’t make bishops angry.

12. Rabbits breed like… well, rabbits.

13. There’s no room for a massive tool on a milk float.

14. THIS is Ireland’s largest lingerie section.

15. When in doubt, it’s an ecumenical matter.

16. There’s no need to be subtle about what you want for Christmas.

17. They’re called ‘raisins’, not ‘cocaine’.

18. You bring the travel scrabble for your traveling and the real scrabble for when you arrive.

19. Horses want you to feed them sugar lumps and take them to the horse dentist.

20. Ireland has some wonderful tourist destinations.

21. Nothing shifts cinema tickets better than papal condemnation.

22. High profile sheep competitions serve the best food.

23. Don’t forget the sun cream on holiday.

24. Buying your tea in bulk is a real money-saver.

25. Milk gets sour. Unless it’s UHT milk, but there’s no demand for that because it’s shite.

26. Be careful. In general.

27. Lovely girls ALL have lovely bottoms.

28. Priest have an intuitive understanding of sheep.

29. Only a completely ludacris situation would call for a remote control wheelchair and a set of fake arms.

30. Women can like football too.

31. You can’t have a party without a few sandwiches.

32. Priests your own age are waiting to talk; if you want to listen in on the latest gossip or simply have a bit of a laugh.

33. Giving up smoking is more difficult that you’d image.

34. A brick enlivens a dull floor.

35. It also makes a great pet.

36. Perfume is the ideal ‘woman’ present. That’s why God invented it; so you don’t have to put any thought into it whatsoever.

37. The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader and the Loch Ness Monster don’t really exist.

38. Don’t shout in caves.

39. It’s fabulous being a priest. Think of all the comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it.

40. “Photo or it didn’t happen.”

41. When it says ‘Do Not Press’, you do not press.

42. Inspiration can come from so many places

43. We really DON’T want to win the Eurovision, so that we don’t have to pay to host it.

44. Whistle theft is a serious matter.

45. Elvis makes a great Halloween costume.

46. Men should never be themselves with women.

47. There’s only supposed to be one of these in a pack.

48. Education in Ireland has changed somewhat over the years.

49. The might be something said for having another mass.

50. Who needs money when you have faith?


Do you have another one for the list? Go on. Give us a comment.